Co - parenting
The co-parenting option raised by "Lia" as a comment in my last post is certainly an interesting concept yet it only raises more questions. I couldn't agree more with "Richard's" response on the matter but I'd like to add a few more points.
First of all why is it that when some people talk about DI it always falls down to the rights of the biological father ?...as if a biological father is some kind of divine persona ? I think there is a bit too much ego tripping here. I have mentioned this in another post previously but I shall reiterate it ....what the biological father gives to a couple is not a child as such, it is only part of the equation. Sperm is... well exactly that...no matter what you do with your sperm alone it will not turn into a child.
In order to create life, that sperm will have to fertilise an egg....that egg belongs to the BIOLOGICAL MOTHER of that child.
She's the one who will be carrying the baby and after 9 months or so will give birth to a child. She's the other part of the equation, and her role is certainly just as important, (actually more important in my opinion), not only does she carry the child and the associated responsibilities but for those 9 months the embryo will be totally reliant on his mother.
The man on the other hand has it easy, and that's even in relations where fertility is not an issue. However I seldom see (I have not yet seen is probably more correct ) any post putting the biological mother on the same pedestal as that of the biological father in a DI conception. It's almost as she is of second rate importance, everything seems to revolve around the biological father...
So to return to the co - parenting issue...Well the biological mother of the child would have to agree first, then the Donor would have to agree as well ...not all Donors would necessarily want to become a co-parent, then the other parent of the child would need to feel comfortable with the idea...it's a bit like "menage a trois "and it would inevitably lead to unecessary tensions. That's a lot of people to consider...and I almost forgot...doesn't the child gets his say as well ??!!....NOT ALL Di conceived children have a need or a wish to meet there biological father ...Interesting how one can advocate about the rights of the child in regards to DI because they didn't have a say in that process but yet at the same time is prepared to relinquish those very same rights when it suits !
Co parenting would not be much dissimilar to having a dysfunctional family whereas two parents are divorced and then remarried and where both biological parents must share parental visits. Now this situation is very confusing at best for a young child.
Actually from my own experience as a kid of divorced parents, that's one sure way of screwing (excuse my French) with your child's mind.
There is also another issue with having a co-parent...I mean if they want to be part of my kids life from an early age. then they should also be prepared to share all the expenses involved in raising a child, be on hand to change nappies now and again and sign a contract that stipulates that should something happen to me, they would be responsible for the financial support of that child as any other parent is required by law
My kids would be free to contact their biological father at an age where they can make their own decisions and take their own responsibilities. or at least have a clear understanding and the maturity to deal with such a process.
First of all why is it that when some people talk about DI it always falls down to the rights of the biological father ?...as if a biological father is some kind of divine persona ? I think there is a bit too much ego tripping here. I have mentioned this in another post previously but I shall reiterate it ....what the biological father gives to a couple is not a child as such, it is only part of the equation. Sperm is... well exactly that...no matter what you do with your sperm alone it will not turn into a child.
In order to create life, that sperm will have to fertilise an egg....that egg belongs to the BIOLOGICAL MOTHER of that child.
She's the one who will be carrying the baby and after 9 months or so will give birth to a child. She's the other part of the equation, and her role is certainly just as important, (actually more important in my opinion), not only does she carry the child and the associated responsibilities but for those 9 months the embryo will be totally reliant on his mother.
The man on the other hand has it easy, and that's even in relations where fertility is not an issue. However I seldom see (I have not yet seen is probably more correct ) any post putting the biological mother on the same pedestal as that of the biological father in a DI conception. It's almost as she is of second rate importance, everything seems to revolve around the biological father...
So to return to the co - parenting issue...Well the biological mother of the child would have to agree first, then the Donor would have to agree as well ...not all Donors would necessarily want to become a co-parent, then the other parent of the child would need to feel comfortable with the idea...it's a bit like "menage a trois "and it would inevitably lead to unecessary tensions. That's a lot of people to consider...and I almost forgot...doesn't the child gets his say as well ??!!....NOT ALL Di conceived children have a need or a wish to meet there biological father ...Interesting how one can advocate about the rights of the child in regards to DI because they didn't have a say in that process but yet at the same time is prepared to relinquish those very same rights when it suits !
Co parenting would not be much dissimilar to having a dysfunctional family whereas two parents are divorced and then remarried and where both biological parents must share parental visits. Now this situation is very confusing at best for a young child.
Actually from my own experience as a kid of divorced parents, that's one sure way of screwing (excuse my French) with your child's mind.
There is also another issue with having a co-parent...I mean if they want to be part of my kids life from an early age. then they should also be prepared to share all the expenses involved in raising a child, be on hand to change nappies now and again and sign a contract that stipulates that should something happen to me, they would be responsible for the financial support of that child as any other parent is required by law
My kids would be free to contact their biological father at an age where they can make their own decisions and take their own responsibilities. or at least have a clear understanding and the maturity to deal with such a process.
posted by MAX at 9:08 AM
2 Comments:
But the biological father is ONLY part of the equation, and between you and me, there is no way of knowing in advance what exact percentage of genetic material the child is going to inherit from each of his biological parents.
In my case, it's quite easy to see that I inherited much more from my mum's side, her looks, her artistic talent, her way of thinking etc...
therefore it can be argued that a man's sperm is no more important than a woman's ovum. The biological father of the child may very well only share 1% of his genetic heritage and the mother the remaining 99%.
So if all being equal, how can the biological father take centre stage ?
As Lia said, we are talking about sperm donation, so the focus is on the father. If we were talking about egg donation, then we would be talking about the mother. It's not hard to understand.
I think you are missing the point. You say that you can tell that you inherited more traits from your mother than you did from your father. You are speaking from a privelaged position, compared to myself and other donor conceived people. I can't say that i take more after my mother or my father's side, because of course i am lacking knowlege of my father's traits.
I think that following this thought, it should be said that whether or not we inherit 90% or 1% of either of our biological parents traits, we still have a connection to them. I realise some people may not like to admit that, but it is fact. I also think that although people may say "I am nothing like my father/mother", in knowing them, they can say that with absolute certainty. Do you see what i mean?
I have no sure way of knowing anything at all about my father and it frustrates me no end. It is even more frustrating that a doctor holds my father's name in a filing cabinet over the other side of town and tells me if he told me my father's name he would go to jail.
There should be no deliberate witholding of someone's history, no matter what anyone else thinks it may mean to them. Everyone should have the chance to know their history.
Saying that it's just sperm is again insulting. For it's not just sperm, it is the material that made me, that makes people! If it weren't for this sperm i wouldn't be here... It seems that the sperm is only important when people are fertile and they can claim ownership of it.
T5's sperm means much more to me than anyone will ever know...... it means my identity, it means my being.... and he is just as important to me as my mum is.
I want the chance to know him as i have had the chance to know my mother.
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