Rose coloured glasses.
In the debate of fatherhood in the context of DI, I find that too much credit is being given to biological parents. On an abstract level, yes its best for a child to be biologically related to his father, but in reality being biologically related to one or both parent is not synonym of harmony. The human mind works in such way that the grass will always seem greener on the other side of the fence, hence why some people who were conceived via DI will think that their life would have significantly been better were they biologically related to their father.
The true father image is of a man sharing, teaching, guiding,loving, protecting his children, how often do you hear adult say things such as...when I was young my father used to take me fishing, or my love for cars was passed on by my father etc....
Sounds great doesn't it ? However in reality this is not always true...I think the great father image is a bit of an urban myth.
Let's take my relationship with my father as an example.
1/ We do not look like one another at all. In fact if one had to decide whether we are related just on looks, the conclusion would be that I am either adopted or I was also donor conceived.
2/ As a young kid growing up my father was rarely home, the way my father thinks is business comes first, friends second and family last . My father was the law and the executioner and being backhanded slapped across the face due to low school grades or asked to finish one's meal in the toilet for putting our elbows on the table was common practice. We had a love/fear relationship one could say.
3/ My father keeps secrets. I was never invited to the lush ceremony of his second wedding that took place only a few klms from my place of residence. He invited all his friends and colleagues but not his son, his only biological link here in Australia, my brother resides in France.
Not only was I not invited but he only told me sheepishly two weeks later.
4/ My father has a fixation with money. I have never asked him for any financial assistance in my entire life nor do I intend to. My father never seems to be giving me the impression that he is doing something because he enjoys it....everything he does seems to be a necessity or because his wife needs this , everything is a sacrifice. My father will mention to me on several occasions how he is struggling financially and then two weeks later I will find out that he spent a week at Club Med in some exotic location....and later again he will spend a good 5 minutes justifying his trip like as if he didn't really want to go there but had to !
5/ In my Father's house you will not find a picture of either my brother or I displayed anywhere. On the other hand you will find plenty of pictures of himself and his two dogs, a couple of beagles which I humourously call my "sisters".
I spent the first 30 years of my life hoping for a better dad, hoping that perhaps he would change, I was ridden with guilt in the sense that I felt that I was never good enough for him and then one day I realised that I needed to move on in order to live my life and that 's exactly what I am doing. Yes my father might be biologically related to me but our relationship is nothing but 100% artificial.
I think that sometimes we need to take off those rose coloured glasses and have a good look around us. It's easy to make conclusions based on supposedly scientifical evidence but if you take results of research at face value then you are only kidding yourself, life is neither black or white.
The true father image is of a man sharing, teaching, guiding,loving, protecting his children, how often do you hear adult say things such as...when I was young my father used to take me fishing, or my love for cars was passed on by my father etc....
Sounds great doesn't it ? However in reality this is not always true...I think the great father image is a bit of an urban myth.
Let's take my relationship with my father as an example.
1/ We do not look like one another at all. In fact if one had to decide whether we are related just on looks, the conclusion would be that I am either adopted or I was also donor conceived.
2/ As a young kid growing up my father was rarely home, the way my father thinks is business comes first, friends second and family last . My father was the law and the executioner and being backhanded slapped across the face due to low school grades or asked to finish one's meal in the toilet for putting our elbows on the table was common practice. We had a love/fear relationship one could say.
3/ My father keeps secrets. I was never invited to the lush ceremony of his second wedding that took place only a few klms from my place of residence. He invited all his friends and colleagues but not his son, his only biological link here in Australia, my brother resides in France.
Not only was I not invited but he only told me sheepishly two weeks later.
4/ My father has a fixation with money. I have never asked him for any financial assistance in my entire life nor do I intend to. My father never seems to be giving me the impression that he is doing something because he enjoys it....everything he does seems to be a necessity or because his wife needs this , everything is a sacrifice. My father will mention to me on several occasions how he is struggling financially and then two weeks later I will find out that he spent a week at Club Med in some exotic location....and later again he will spend a good 5 minutes justifying his trip like as if he didn't really want to go there but had to !
5/ In my Father's house you will not find a picture of either my brother or I displayed anywhere. On the other hand you will find plenty of pictures of himself and his two dogs, a couple of beagles which I humourously call my "sisters".
I spent the first 30 years of my life hoping for a better dad, hoping that perhaps he would change, I was ridden with guilt in the sense that I felt that I was never good enough for him and then one day I realised that I needed to move on in order to live my life and that 's exactly what I am doing. Yes my father might be biologically related to me but our relationship is nothing but 100% artificial.
I think that sometimes we need to take off those rose coloured glasses and have a good look around us. It's easy to make conclusions based on supposedly scientifical evidence but if you take results of research at face value then you are only kidding yourself, life is neither black or white.
posted by MAX at 8:52 AM
6 comments
